Can a parent EVER be in an ‘argument’ with a minor child?

I was thinking about this the other day- I was relating a discussion I had with a child psychologist about my 14 year old daughter whom I had asked them to assess. She had been a difficult child at times and was becoming increasingly bizarre after her hormones kicked in so much so I was worried she would harm her self or others. I wanted to get to the bottom of it to be able to help her and me have a better relationship and good life.

After interviewing/assessing her on her own for over an hour I was allowed in to discuss their findings. I was hoping for a lot of help.

Two things I remember the guy saying to me, one of which was to allow her out longer at night- after 11pm if she wanted it – I was incredulous at this, here was a vulnerable child of 14 years of age whom I had been looking after and keeping my eye on every day of her life- So that did not wash well. There was no need for her to stay out that late and I thought it a ridiculous piece of advice.

Then he asked did I always win an argument with the child. I replied in the affirmative saying I was the adult- He decreed I should let her ‘win’ one or two every now and again.

It has bothered me ever since and I now know why. I was the parent I would never indulge in ‘an argument’ with my child. The only time heated discussions ensued was when my child argued or back chatted with me- I am not stupid I taught my children to converse back and forth and to discuss issues with forethought and hopefully aplomb.

The only time I would raise my voice, if they raised theirs first. Like for instance when she was 16 and she persuaded me to let her boyfriend drive my car into the village, so they could go out ( I know, wrong right) He was 18 and had a driving licence. They came back in a taxi, him having had a drink and had parked the car up outside a pub. It got broken into, the window was smashed (costly) and the audio had been stolen. I was annoyed at her for that but she rallied against me and yelled ’Oh I might have known you would blame me’ Well it sure as Hell wasn’t my fault my dear ! And it cost me money I didn’t have.

The point is I wish I could have been the sort of parent that never raises their voice- Unfortunately I wasn’t. I’m a lot more laid back now-a days, but back then I had a difficult time keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table- I did it but I was insecure and neurotic and worn out a lot of the time. So I did shouting.

- William Shakspeare said ‘I would offer you a battle of wits but I see you are UN-armed’ the same goes for hormonal teenagers

There is no need and I don’t think I was, ever, in ‘an argument’ with my child. I spent my days looking after them and trying to make sure they were up-standing polite individuals, and as such would teach them things. The only arguments that occurred when they disagreed with what ever ruling I was trying to enforce. The argument was one sided and came from them. I would always listen to what they had to say and reply but if they out and out disobeyed something that was in place for a reason they they would get irate But it was never ‘an argument’ as in a philosophical debate. This is what has been bothering me for some time.

Who ever the half wit was who said these things to me probably never had children or brought up teenagers. It would be very nice to be placid and smiling all the time, but I defy anyone who has children of any age to deny they worry about them all the time and only want the best for them. So letting them win an argument,’Yes dear you can stay out as long as you want’ even on a school night ? REALLY??? How I wish I had complained about the feedback I had. And how I wished I had looked further for help for her. But being insecure and down hearted I just accepted my lot and left it there- With inevitably things turning from bad to worse. The end result saw her leave home at 18, when I told her she must abide by my rules or leave So she took the hump and left, I did not want her to leave I just wanted her to behave (I was fed up of picking her up drunk off the street (only once) or her staying out all night beside myself with worry, not knowing where she was, not looking for work, lazing about in bed, smoking etc. etc.) She punished me by not letting me know where she was and not getting in contact for a good few months. Until after about 8 months she rang to tell me she had been living in London. After a while she told me she was pregnant asking what should she do? I begged her to come home and we would sort it, The next thing I knew she was in her boyfriends home town of Liverpool and living with his mother. This was 100’s of miles from home. This is where she stayed, up North. Luckily. We did resume contact happily and I managed to see my grand-daughter 3 times a year while she was growing up, Xmas, Easter and the summer holidays so I guess I was lucky there. But I do regret all the rows we had and wish I hadn’t lost my temper so much.