My nightmare 21 days and a delish dream doggie hug .
What a night mare my last 21 days I have had. Never thought it could be like this.......
After having spent a week away in Inverness at Raigmore hospital having radiation therapy (it is called, felt more like torture though) even though it wasn't intended to.
I went home to kitty cuddles and to recover.
After two days it started, the decline into a sort of abyss of self pity, self loathing and a feeling of failure accompanied by dread, not to put a finer point of it.
Each day for the next five years I have been told , take a prescribed a hormone tablet, as my particular form of cancer might come back. Might come back ......to stop it coming back . The thought was so hard to contemplate.
I tried not to, but every time I blitzed the packet and took a tablet each day, the thought in my head, it might come back..... I feel too full of life to want to shuffle off this mortal coil.
But we all must as is a humans fate. Fate... huh that's a laugh.
After a couple of days the nausea set in, followed by projectile vomiting day after day. After three days It was not going away on its own, I contacted the doc, who promptly prescribed some anti vomiting pills, the ones they give to expectant mothers.
I was lucky in that I blossomed in pregnancy and found it a very natural, earthy happy few months. I never vomited , just bloomed.
Here was life, fate making sure I had my dose of unhappiness. How dare I get away from it - cheat it, avoid it?
As one gets older as with most things start to wear out, wear down. My batteries were running out.
As with most nausea, my appetite disappeared. Which is just as well really, vomiting a yellowy liquid is better than up chucking lumps of carrots one finds. Up side, there always is one if one looks, it could be possible I could lose some weight !
When not eating, it brings other problems, stomach cramps and headaches etc.
I could not tolerate 'builders' tea. It was replaced with a much healthier versions of Lemon and ginger, green tea and earl grey, black. More healthy then at least. Another bonus.
I must try to eat. Eat what you feel like. Mmmm ...... chicken and noodle packet soup. My husband made me a bowl. As I supped the liquid, I baulked when I got to the noodles Yuk ! Not able to.
What else might I eat that might help ? Cheese, yes cheese.
A couple , maybe only one ounces of cheddar was gingerly nibbled at. I felt a bit better.
Ginger helps with nausea, so a couple of ginger biscuits were enjoyed too.
Anything sweet was attractive, jelly , we had none, a bit of old chocolate scraped from the fridge shelf was enjoyed.
Can I really exist on one or two mouthfuls of scraps of food.?
Obviously, I had been eating far too much for too long. Another bonus, healthier eating habits.
Some good may come out of this process? Hopefully.
Along with the loss of appetite and on and off nausea, came lack of sleep.
When you take penicillin, it can cause drowsiness as can some of the other prescribed drugs necessary to recover form this journey. so.... after taking said drugs/medication, my eyelids became heavy and I would go into a slump, for an hour or two, until various unpleasant feelings filtered through and brought me back into consciousness.
I did not want to react this way but I was useless to prevent it. All I could do is keep taking the prescribed medication and hope for the best. Drugs, consciousness, nausea, nibbles of food.
With all this came fatigue, necessary for the body to maintain it self.
No hoovering got done, no bed changing, no cleaning, no wiping no washing up.
Luckily my husband took over the latter task, only to retort, two weeks later "I think we need another dish washer, I am fed up of washing up!" he spat out -- join the club. We set about figuring out how to fit one into the kitchen.
What can I eat with cheese??? two small crackers, the butter made me baulk, the crackers did not taste nice.... Macaroni cheese, not made with sauce, but layered in a dish alternatively with bacon and onions.
the macaroni turned to a horrible paste in my mouth. Cheese was nice though and the bacon and onions. This was about the only time in that last few years that I did not go on a big guilt trip after eating bacon.
Pigs are soo intelligent and cute . Poor things. I am of the opinion we , as a nation eat far too much meat. I try and have veggie days, beans on toast with cheese, followed by veggie curry and brown rice, or egg and chips if you are into eggs.
It is relatively simple to go completely meat free these days. There are so many products around, tofu, soya, Halloumi and of course a plethora of vegetables from all over the world. A person can exist adequately on home grown vegetables, reducing ozone breaking causes.
We of course in the West are far too spoilt for choice, and some times a luxurious cream chocolate cake, or ribeye steak are a temptation too much.......We are a self indulged nation compared to 'third world' countries.
I will never forget returning from three weeks on Anjuna beach in Goa, to walk into a supermarket back home and feel like all my Christmases had come at once. Bright lights, colourful packaging, inviting smells sights and sounds. Enticements to buy buy buy, Too much sensory overload.
Some how or other, I started not eating norshopping in the weeks that followed by radiation.
Where I once would open a tin of Tuna, most for the cats, a small bit reserved for me to mix with mayo to top a baked potato, eagerly looked forward to. But not now. Opening a tin, the smell was so strong it took me aback and I had to leave the kitchen Lucky cats they had the whole tin. I was sick of feeling nauseous, pardon the pun.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger the saying goes, I am still waiting to start feeling stronger, but then the phone call.
My 23 year old family member, was asking me for money , again. I paid up , as per usual, they only had me and one other family member to fall back on, and I needed to help. Although this time I paid half, I am a pensioner now and only have a limited income and bills to pay.
This was not good enough, they needed more money, the other family member could not or would not supply it. Resistance produced more emotional blackmail, I admired the cheek. They could not get to work (work being a decent ethic to adhere to). Did I not want them to be a useful member of society? would that be my fault, then cough up.
They had been ill, badly ill in a psychiatric hospital, why would I not help??? inferred, as with all
emotional blackmail.... my patience was running low... 'you need to start to learn to pull yourself together,' I suggested-- How could I , once again inferred, carefully not said directly.
Eventually after a long game of verbal ping pong, with the emotional blackmail veering on the extreme, I had had enough.
It ended abruptly. They had they decided I was no longer going to play, or had they, why the silence, was it temper, was it surrender?
This weighed on my mind.
It would have been so much easier to have just paid up, but being the responsible adult and with my resources running at an all time low, I would NOT be bullied.
Then it started, the doubt, the fear the worry. building and building to a deafening crescendo.
Staring to get scared I phoned the police for some advice- They said phone the local police of the area. The Scottish woman chided me saying 'if you were so worried you should have contacted the relatives nearest and dearest first ! Duuh ? How was I meant to do that because they had cut me and all other family members out of their lives. My 23 year old only contacted me because they love me and I am practically am all they have got.
Not knowing the entire situation, there could be any number of scenarios to this.
I contacted NHS 111 for help and advice-- They told me to contact the local police as they have a way of finding peoples addresses. Indeed the hospital would have had the persons address and would have to divulge this to the police.
Non judgmental and very helpful I did as they said. Completely over whelmed and feeling all out at sea and totally helpless I dragged my self up to bed where I decided I would jump on the next train to where they were to meet up and try and sort this mess out !
My husband unaware of all the drama, ( he would not have understood, or tolerated it) became increasing annoyed at me drinking more and more gin. We had a massive heated violent argument. I was at an all time low, there did not seem any way out of it.
The next evening I went to the store and bought a bottle of gin, with a tonic, (diet of course0 and drove the car past my home to a lay by. to have a think, a ponder and a drink trying to get my act together. and to try to work out my next moves. Put a strategy in place, if you will.
Opening up a packet of crisps an hour or two of self indulgence later, I realised I had over stepped the mark. I must get home and stop being so childish , as is my wont on emotional occasions such as these, go figure.
I started up the car but the battery had become flat as I had the radio on for a few hours, It was dead, I had killed the car just as I had killed my self esteem. Tail between my legs I had to go home.
I left the car to stagger the few yards home, when I stumbled, being somewhat inebriated and came crashing onto the ground with a huge thud. Face planting onto the wet tarmac I tried to struggle to my feet. If you have ever fallen when inebriated, you might know how ridiculously hard this task was.
Staying on all fours I crawled to my house.
ADELE sings
' I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenueNo, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love'
Here is some advice Don't do it. It is not good, it is not glamorous (even if you keep your high heels on) and it is extremely, Painful, love, trust me.
Completely forgetting I was bare foot, this soon became apparent, when upon crashing through the front door, the lino turning pink with my blood. I was standing in a bloody puddle !OWWW that hurt. My husband shouted at me, .Where the hell had I been. Completely unable to formulate any sentences I somehow managed to stagger up to bed
In the morning the pain was excruciating. All the skin from the font of my feet has been scrapped off, I had a bruise 8 inches by 6 inches covering my grazed knee and I sported three huge bruises to my left arm. My face was scrapped also. What a mess . How did I get in this state I surmised???
It became all too apparent. I had gone out and beaten my self up with the help of the road. The following two nights and days the pain was excruciating. I might as well have been in a car accident. Stupid stupid woman. Weak ridiculous feeble minded over emotional stupid person I berated my self.
In the days that followed, the self loathing welled as did the pain in my feet. Painkillers were my bestest friends. But still the pain welled, until I could stand it no longer. I searched around for some bandages or plasters , too ashamed to ask for any ones help.
A few days later , the pain not subsiding, I tried to rub in antiseptic cream, but only succeeded in dislodging the multitude of plasters, thereby ripping of bits of skin with it. It was painful to walk. After 3 days I gingerly removed my socks that were providing a type of buffering. red feet, no skin, anywhere, a huge hole. I must seek medical help, sepsis , gangrene???
Luckily the doctor would see me in an hour that morning. I staggered over there, to be reproached by him for arriving too early... I was in a daze with pain and self loathing.
Sitting in his office he stared and stared at my feet , in a look of shock and dis belief then gave me a very reproachful look' Please don't look at me like that I beseeched. His reply was 'I have not seen anything like that in a long time!!! He rang the nurse and told me to return within the hour having patched me up as much as he could.
I gave him an edited version, of course, of how it had happened. He was doing his best not to get too angry and went off the get me stronger antibiotics than I was on. when he left, the tears of self loathing remorse and relief poured down my face.
Upon return, the nurse was lovely. 'I cannot believe I have done this I explained. 'this must be the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life''' Try not to beat your self up ' she said kindly ,'lets get you patched up.' and went about cleaning my reddened putrid tootsies.
The next day a jolly nurse came round a jovial man in his late 50's. 'Don't be silly ' he said , 'we have all done things we regret' Which made me wonder what he had ever done.
He told me he used to be in forestry, I might ask him about some trees I have got and where to put them tomorrow, he is going to be my best friend in the next week or so, what a nice man.
So you see there is something to be said for growing old gracefully. As I hang my head in shame, I will try not to beat myself up as instructed , regain my composure and sally forth. Seek help with my anxiousness. Another good result that was 6 days ago and I haven't touched a drop since, and doubt if I ever will . my liver and other parts of my body are eternally grateful.
Up date ; another visit from the lovely Ron, he told me he lived on his own on his croft up past Spean Bridge a lovely part of the world.
Having divorced years go .' I am single' he announced somewhat dolefully I picked up on the ruefulness.
I thought to myself, how sad, he was kind, well groomed, caring and thoughtful. Everyone deserves a bit of companionship - I spose he gets his social rush from visiting patients. He has a lovely manner about him He told me he was sad that even though years ago he used to grow lots of potatoes, as he was 300 mile above sea level, due to climate change he was now no longer able to farm potatoes as they rotted in the ground before they were matured. I suggested perhaps raised bedding? He said he now got his potatoes from his neighbours, on a farm with whom he barters. So that was good. he seemed happy enough with that. Mind you , with his beer pot I surmised he spent regular nights at the pub and why not? a bit of company innit.
After that I have to continue to visit the nurse for dressings every day until they are healed. While I was there I suggested it was her mission to find Ron a companion and instructed her to invite him to Xmas things.... being the helpful busy body that I am. If it is meant to be , it will be. At least it's out there now.
On the way back from the docs this a.m. my neighbour was coming out of her drive and stopped to tell me if I needed any thing, anything at all I was to knock on the wall and she would come over-- Heleanie is my age, if not older- I assured her I was feeling fine now and getting better every day- I waved at Jo, the other neighbour going off to work, everyone complained about the rain, there was a lot of it, but it is beautiful soft beautiful rain so I don't mind at all, I seem to be the only one, but having lived in Wales for 30 years, I spose I am used to it. Even the snow here is beautiful fluffy white as white , not like that grey slush that happens in Chesterfield.
Yes folks the rose tinted spectacles are still on. I defy any one to contradict me, come up and see for your selves-- Shangri-La.
I am in a better mood today . I got up, after 2 or 3 times before at 3a.m. I had x 2 crackers with cream cheese at 3.30a.m, then a crumpet a lemon and ginger tea, another crumpet at 5a.m and finally at 7 a.m a pizza for brekky- My appetite and my humour is returning- I feel optimistic about the future, as the pain subsides my humour improves.
Before I went to the docs at 11 a.m I had done an hour Xmas shopping on line and applied for x 3 part time jobs-- need something to do. After a snooze I shall look again for a volunteer role -- feeling up beat and optimistic, at long last. Maybe that staying booze free for 9 days and counting has something to do with it.
I have ordered some Xmas lights for the garden and eagerly await their arrival. I have also decided to bring in my bay tree and deck that with lights and that will suffice for our Xmas tree. Right where are those Xmas cards ??????
Oh nearly forgot . the dream doggy hug maybe that is another story, watch this pace, but what a great dream that was.
