Boob crunching breast screening

I stared at the sheet of paper in front of me, horrified. Oh no !I had been invited to a breast screening. Now I know it is preventative medicine, I know its good to get checked out and it does not hurt , right? Wrong !
3 years ago I attended, naively believing the hype that this does not hurt. Boy was I surprised and shocked at how much it did! They don't tell you that do they? and then there is the anxious 2 week wait for the results.
Luckily it was an all clear 3 years ago. My friend  wasn't so lucky. She was only 45 ish at the time, with a young family had  received the dreaded results that no-one wants, she had breast cancer. She said they kept her waiting and waiting and finally took her into another room to arrange treatment. The chemotherapy started, a bespoke infusion of poison was fed into her , her hair fell out, she got depressed. Her relationship with her daughter suffered because her daughter was angry that she might die. Lots of people said lots of upsetting inappropriate things to her during the course of her treatment. Unwittingly of course, but being my friend she confided in me , crying at how she was going to protect the kids from the awfulness that had befallen her. She had to go through radio therapy,  but cheered herself up by selecting posh wigs that looked really nice and eventually got back to work  and life. She is a fighter, she now lives life to the max cherishing every single day with her family. I'm not so sure I would be so brave.
So, a few weeks later saw me preparing to go to the clinic with trepidation. The husband was curious as to why I was worried. " But it won't hurt!" he exclaimed patronisingly." How the bloody hell would you know?" He also had been told it does not hurt , was just 'uncomfortable' and he believed the hype also.
You could be forgiven for thinking it was just me . My boobs are very sensitive and object to being squashed between two plates of metal. Some people have no feeling in their boobs, well Hooray for them . Mine are full of feeling. I even put up with very painful cracked nipples , a hazard of breast feeding, with hardly (well almost ) a whimper. Honestly men have no idea what us women have to go through.
So I devised a sort of strategy. Make sure I was ready early, so I was not flustered, eat a meal beforehand, so I am comfortable and take painkiller before marching myself down to the clinic. Oh, and I had decided that if, then, it did hurt I was bloody well going to yell. Right out loud! So with this in mind I arrived at the clinic half an hour early.  I wanted to find out what the dull ache was I had been experiencing around my boob and down my left arm a few times every week for some months. I kept thinking 'what if its cancer'? My rational brain told me if it was then there was nothing else for it but to get cured' If it wasn't then not to worry.
I had checked for lumps. No lumps, but why the ache?  It is better to find out about these things as early diagnosis presents a better chance of  it being put in remission, or so I am told (what do I know?) It might be aching because my lovely cat always uses my left boob as a stepping stone to cuddle me on my shoulder and he is about 8 lbs in weight.

Arriving at the clinic 30 minutes early I sat in a comfy chair next to the radio, blaring out Vanessa Feltzs, and grabbed a magazine while I waited. I read through last weeks pull out supplement, all about Paloma Faiths pregnancy and birth and how she copes with being a new mother. I went on to read an article about a lovely lady and her hairy dachshund dog called Zeus. There was a lovely picture of her cuddling Zeus, who was mega cute.
It went on to describe how, after her children had left home, she felt resentful abd tearful about being tied down to the dog. Which she mentioned to her doctor when she went to investigate a dull ache that had developed into sharp pains. Being only 60 she had not had a mammogram, but after tests investigating her rib pain found out she had bone cancer and an aggressive form of primary breast cancer. How she enjoyed cuddling up to the dog on her down days while she is at home.  I had just started to surmise this was a wholly inappropriate magazine article to have  lying around a breast screening clinic when they called out my name to go in.

"Take your bra off" the nurse helpfully instructed, as she showed me into a cubicle "and keep one top on." I wasn't wearing a bra, but did not enlighten her . I looked through face book,on my phone while I waited behind the curtain, anything to take my mind of it. There was a little sign on the wall of the cubicle saying "please bring your handbag with you into the screening room'"-Was this a precaution against thieves or was it dress etiquette? A vision of a line of half naked women all carrying handbags sprang into my mind. I didn't have a handbag either, honestly what kind of woman was I? no bra on, no handbag would they think they were dealing with a rebel.?
"Please bring your handbag if you've got one "the technician/nurse said, inviting me into the screening room. Honestly what was it with the handbags? were they obsessed ?
I was holding my phone in one hand while tyring to switch it off with the other while she said this.'Oh, you've got a phone?' she mused giving me a quizzical look.
 I had my 'dont mess with me and lets just get this done ' face on so she proceeded to ask a few questions, any trouble with your breasts?-' well I've had an ache from time to time for ages, but I've also been getting sciatica, but don't know if they are related? I replied. It seemed reasonable to me to say this, I mean, how do I know what all these aches and pains have been shooting through my body. But I'm sure she thought I was taking the piss, and stopped short of 'tutting' at me and just ignored me.
"Please take off your top and step forward, twist side ways" she intoned, poor sod must have said all this 30 /40 times already that day. Then she grabbed my boob to position it on the plate while winding down the top plate to squash it for x-ray- 'right get ready to shout' I  girded my loins to show my disapproval- but I don't know if it was the painkillers, or that I was more prepared, but it didn't hurt that much and it was only for a brief spate of time. After doing each boob, she then needed another cross ways shot. 'Can you put your hand behind your head please and move forwards?' I obliged and then she asked" Do you mind if I move your shoulder back?" My shoulder ? you're asking permission to move my shoulder when you've just been grabbing my boobs? Aw c'm mon you re having a laugh now aren't you?....
It was soon over after that and I was outta there. another milestone over, now there is just the anxious 2 week wait.

 Girls, women don't forget to check those boobs, it may be frightening, embarrasing but it is necessary to face these things head on and get all the help that is available out there.  We are all terminal but  especially as we age we need to keep checking all the bits are working properly, and take advantage of our wonderful health service.